It was the first day of the month.

Anyone in direct sales knows that it can be the best day, the worst day, an opportunity to make a fresh start, or as I’ve always seen it… “Phil, what can you do for us this month?”

The room was crammed with maybe 200 people… sales reps, all the sales managers, directors, general managers, SVP of Sales and some corporate C-Levels that had flown in to observe the matrix. 

Somewhere in the middle of the room I stood with my sales manager.

Our team name…”Kick To the Face.”

We were number one and before we could accept our award and talk trash to the rest of the sales reps in the room, we had to wait for the #1 market director to put on a display of thespianism. 

He had very creatively bred a mascot named, Rambo.

What was Rambo you ask?

A dressed up, half torso, human form, skin colored punching bag, with a red head band, and a wig with scars and all.

This meeting was the typical ego fest filled with countless high fives, chest bumps, and paper awards stuffed behind dollar store plastic diploma frames.

Number One: This meeting was about generating more sales.

Number Two: This meeting was about generating more sales.

Number Three: This meeting was about recognizing people for being better, bolder, making more money, and even spending that money frivolously.

I can remember someone being congratulated for getting into debt once.

I thought it was a joke, but for some reason people applauded this nonsense.

In these meetings, sales reps were set against each other.

People were called out and asked if they were weak in front of a crowd.

‘Jenny, let me ask you, “are you weak? Are you weak!”’

Countless motivational phrases were yelled:

“Run ta that!”

“Git that money son!” –

“Show me your war face!”

and…

“Chance!” – a reference to Ray Lewis’s pregame playoff speech, and what Chris Korman described in an article as:

artistry… hyperbolic, hyperventilating, verging-on-nonsense, pre-game pump up speech.

Yes, it was re-enacted in front of us by letting the room go silent and then a leader would walk around loud whispering, “Chance.”

So… on this day, amidst the crowd of suits, I lean over and ask my sales manager, “If I run up and drop kick Rambo in the face, will you save me from HR?”

“Yes, absolutely! Please do it,” he said. “I will definitely cover for you.”

Do it right as everyone is clapping.”

I do a few hamstrings stretches, some side lunges, and then hand my suit jacket off to someone.

The speech ends with some clapping and a few are chanting,

“Rambo… Rambo… Rambo…”

I never liked this ridiculous idol.

It was the symbol of debauchery, happy hours, players’ clubs, every negative stereotype ascribed to sales, and of course, it was the opposing team’s mascot.

Fully committed, and unexpectedly I come running through the crowd of suits, banging shoulders, girls in heels are almost toppling over, eyes laser focused, imagining the perfect execution.

And It could not have gone any better.

Mid-sprint I drop kick Rambo perfectly under the chin.

His wig flies off and the torso flies up into the ceiling tiles creating a dust of white particles.

The body comes down like a knocked-out corpse on the floor.

With my arms outstretched and chest arched back like I was being pulled up into the sky by a tractor beam, I start yelling,

“Yeah!!!!!! Team Kick To Da Face!!!

I pace back and forth like William Wallace yelling, “Yeah!!!” continuously.

I throw in as many loud Lil John, “Whaaaaaats!” as I could until my proud smiling sales manager takes the stage.

The whole crowd is yelling and cheering for this act of disrespect.

I must have lost my mind.

Afterwards… one rep told me that this was the best thing he had ever seen in his life.

I even got a long-winded email from a girl reprimanding me for being arrogant and accusing me of every baseless characteristic, she might have even said soulless.

To this day I wish I had saved that letter and framed it for humbling purposes.

The last person to talk in that meeting was the VP of sales.

He walked up front smiling in front of everybody and said,

“Let’s make year 200X, year kick to the face!!”

People, why am I telling you this story?

No awards were ever given (not once) for helping the customer.

If there was an issue with an install, then you got, “Phil this is technology, there is going to be problems. Now don’t come back without a deal.”

Have you ever had one of these people cold call your office before?

Just curious?

The point is… there is little talk of customer service amidst the direct sales crowd.

Just put your company’s toll-free number in your email signature, leave it on your voicemail recording, and let your customers go kick rocks.

Besides, there are no awards given for taking time out of your sales day to help a customer.

Your time needs to be spent polishing your shoes and preparing to big league the next guy.

Not me.

I am proud to serve my customers by providing solutions that are not tied to any one company, product, service… or quota.

Let’s talk about solutions based on knowledge of the marketplace, and then let’s prove it with results.

Phil Howard – The Most Bearded Man in Telecom